Maybe Next Time...

Well, I didn't get either of the full-time positions. They hired a guy who used to work full-time there before he went to school (not a big surprise, males are like gold in my field), and, in a surprise move, they hired a fairly new girl for the other position.
The guy I understand. But the new girl?? She's still learning the job, meanwhile, there were several of us who already know the job who also applied. I mean, I trained for free as a student from September until December, and I've been working there since January - I think I am more qualified for the position than someone who only started a few months ago.
But, as per usual, they told me to keep applying and something will come. They told me that I am well liked by all of the supervisors and management and that there are always new spots opening. Some of the other full-time staff were surprised that I didn't get it, one was even right pissed off, which feels good, I mean, if the full-time staff think I should be full-time, it's a good sign right?
But this was my second time applying for full time. I know one of the staff had to apply for it 4 times before she got it. How long do I keep doing this before I give up and apply to other jobs? I really like my workplace. I really like my clients (some more than others, obviously). I really like the work that we do there. I really really like my co-workers. I don't really want to work somewhere else. But eventually I have to get serious, right? Sooner or later I am going to need to grow up and get a full-time job, right?
For now, though, I think I'll wait it out. I should at least get a second job, but I don't really want to. I mean, I'm young, fresh out of school - if I can't slack off now, when can I?

Guaranteed Income

Right now, I only work per diem work, meaning it's like relief shifts. I still get quite a few shifts, almost full time hours, but that's not always guaranteed. I am just waiting around for full time at this point. It will come, I just need to be patient.
Once I get full time, I will have a salary, which will be exactly what I need to finally get my finances in order and develop a real budget. And, of course, with said guaranteed monies, I have some plans.

When I get a real person (full time) job, I want to get:
1. An iPhone (But my current phone, a Motorola Krzr is less than a year old... so I can't justify it yet.)
2. A real couch (Can I do this and keep my loveseat? It's a pretty small apartment, but the loveseat is kind of sentimental.)
3. A big girl bed (I currently have a twin, I want at least a double. And a pretty new bedspread.)

It's all about becoming a grown up really. I have an interview tomorrow for full time. I think there might be a few people ahead of me to get the spot, so I may not get it this time... but it's worth a shot! Wish me luck.

Should Have Known Better

By 23, there are things I should know better, especially when it comes to my body. I should know how it works and how it reacts to certain things, I shouldn't end up spending the night in the hospital because of something I should know better.
Here's how it went down.
Friday morning, I get a text from one of my BFFs, asking if I wanted to go for drinks. She's had a tough week, and she also wanted to check in with me, because last weekend I found out that one of my clients passed away. So out we went, it was a beautiful Friday night and we found a pub on Bloor St. where the front windows opened garage-door style. We got a table right near the street, so we drank and ate and talked and people-watched for hours until the guy she is seeing showed up. At that point, I was already tipsy. I don't drink too much and I am on medication that lowers my alcohol tolerance, so I have a really low tolerance. So, when the boy showed up, I was already tipsy, and he then proceeded to order us drinks and shots. We made friends with the couple at the table next to us, and generally had a really good time. I usually keep myself sober enough to take transit home, because I live an hour's ride by transit away from downtown. That night, I knew that taking transit by myself would be a bad idea. I have never been that drunk before in my life. I texted friends on the way home to keep myself from passing out. I finally made it home, puked a few times, took a gravol and stumbled into my bed.
Now, I should explain why this is an extra bad idea for me. We believe that I have what's called Cyclic Vomiting Syndrome. I've had this since I was a young teen, the first time I remember it happening was in grade 10. Often it comes when I am nervous or stressed out, it has happened before when I've eaten foods that disagree with me as well. It's never happened before because of drinking, mostly because I usually keep myself in check. Basically, what happens is that I start throwing up, usually early morning, and I keep throwing up, for hours and hours, even when there isn't anything left in my stomach to throw up. It turns into dry heaving and I heave and heave for hours upon hours. Once before, I had to go to the hospital, but usually my Grandpa (a doctor) orders me a perscription of injectable gravol that Mom (a former nurse) gives to me. After an injection or two of gravol, I usually calm down and am able to stop puking, but it can take me days to really recover, because it wears me out. It hasn't happened now for almost 2 years, and it has never happened when I am so far away from home.
I woke up at 8:00 on Saturday morning and the vomiting started. Luckily, I have a cousin who lives in the same city and has helped me deal with the vomiting before, and she was able to come over and help nurse me. I don't think I could have made it through this on my own. By 6 at night, I was still vomiting and not able to keep anything inside of me, so we decided I had to go to the hospital. After what seemed like forever, I was admitted and given fluids and 3 bags of anti-nauseants before I settled down. By 5am, I was feeling better and able to keep fluids down, so my cousin took me home.
We slept all day today, with me waking up to call in to work and every once in a while drink some ginger ale and eat some crackers. My cousin went home late afternoon, and since then I've been home alone, nursing fluids and trying to make myself eat regularly.
Usually I love living by myself, but when I get sick, I hate it. I get so terribly home sick. I hate having to bother friends to come over to help me, but at the same time, I can hardly take care of myself.
But, I should have known better. I need to remember that I am not invincible and that I cannot possibly drink that much, especially when I live by myself and have no one to take care of me.
I am feeling better now, but I not only missed an incredibly beautiful weekend, I missed 2 days of work so far, and I had to cancel my interview for full-time at the shelter. Stupid, stupid, stupid.

Same as it Ever Was

Do you ever stop where you are and wonder how the heck you ended up there?
As in, if somebody had told you a few years back that you would be in that scenario, you would have laughed at them?
I felt like that a lot during Mom's fight with cancer. Sitting in the hospital waiting room during surgery, driving Mom to chemo, dealing with Mom's tubes and wires in her hospital room... I looked at my surroundings and was overwhelmed by the fact that I never expected that I would be there in that situation, and I never expected I would be able to deal with it as well as I did.
I guess you don't know what you can handle until you're in that situation.
I find that a lot at work. When I was visiting Mom in the hospital, I was telling the nurse about my job, and Mom said that if you had told her two years ago I would be living in Toronto working with street youth, she never would have believed it. You know... if you had told me two years ago that this is what I'd be doing, I would have laughed in your face.
It happens a lot at work, especially when I am dealing with the mental health and the crises that develop... when a kid got stabbed, when fights break out, when a girl comes in completely naked and I have to spend at least 10 minutes talking her into getting re-dressed, when I have to deal with bed bugs, and disgusting rooms and various bodily fluids, when I get sworn at, and yelled at, when I get told too much information about their sex lives... I find myself pausing and thinking "how did I get here?" At first, it was unnerving, being somewhere so out of my element, now I just laugh it off.
I'm a sheltered girl from a small town. J-walking scares me... I grew up on a gravel road. Whenever we would go to Toronto on family trips, Dad would lock the car doors before we got into city limits, likely afraid that a man with a squeegee would jump inside and mug as at gunpoint or we'd get shot up in the middle of a gang war. That's what happens in big cities, right? I was discussing how I grew up with one of my co-workers after work the other day, and she turned to look at me, and asked "Erin, how did you end up here?" Now, she knows the story of how I ended up here, my botched plans for teacher's college after university, and we went to our Child and Youth Work program together, so she knows about all of that... That's not what she meant. I told her truthfully that some days I don't even know.
Luck? Chance? Divine intervention? I don't know. Was it meant to be, or did I just luck out by ending up somewhere I like? Maybe it was completely random. If one little factor of my life had gone a different way, I could be living somewhere completely different, doing something completely different.
That scares me a little. I don't like the idea that my life is arbitrarily decided by chance... I'd much rather think that I am here because it's where I'm supposed to be. I like the idea that I've been brought somewhere that frequently forces me to deal with difficult situations, but I wouldn't be there if I couldn't handle it.
What about you? Do you ever stop and wonder how you ended up where you are? Has your life taken a clear path to where you are today, or has it been a journey of twists and turns? Is it chance and luck, or is there some sort of plan behind the path your life takes?

Recap

So life has been busy lately, thus I've been MIA from the blogging world. Here's what's new with me:

• Mom's surgery went really well. She had it on Monday and was okay to go home on Thursday! Her nurses were fantastic and everything went really smoothly. I am unbelievably relieved that this is finally over.
• I've been working overnights. I expect it will be a while before I have a normal sleep schedule again. We have been short staffed the past 2 nights, so I have been stationed by myself at the main desk of the shelter, which I love. When there are no new intakes and all of my work is done, I get to chill with a snack, listen to some Dave Matthews, and read or play around on the internet while everyone else sleeps.
  
• I bought the first book in the Sookie Stackhouse series by Charlaine Harris, it's the book that True Blood is based on. I am almost through it already and I loved it! I went to Chapters tonight and bought the next 3 in the series.
• Maurice the turtle is living at my apartment now! The cat hasn't tried to kill him yet, so all is well! He likes staring at me while I do stuff around the apartment, he's funny! I will introduce you properly soon.
  
• My littlest sister is on a March Break school trip to Spain and Italy right now. The middle sister is still in Australia. I am stuck in Toronto... and slowly going stir crazy.
• BUT, I got a ticket to see the Dave Matthews Band in June! I'm crazy excited, especially because their new CD comes out only days before. However, the crappy part is that I'm going with 2 other friends, and Ticketmaster wouldn't allow us to puchase more than 2 tickets together for inside the pavilion, so I am sitting one section over from my two friends... here's hoping we can sweet talk the people around us to let us all sit together...
  
• I started a Tumblr, because I clearly need to spend more time on the internet. It's Tumbling Down the Rabbit Hole, go follow me!
• Oh! How Lovely! Shops is giving away a set of bodhicitta Recycled Glasses, very cool! Go enter!
  

The Point of the Composition

Over at Treasuing, I saw this video posted. I love it enough to post it here for you guys. Please take a few minutes to watch it, it's adorable and it has a fantastic message.

Underemployment Plans

Now that I'm done school and a real working girl, I have a bit more free time. Okay, that's a lie. Now that my only job is relief work, I'm discovering that I have a lot more free time. It's only my second day off this week and I'm already bored stiff.
I'm still looking for another job (either a full time job or a second part time job), but I'm taking my time, playing it by ear. I want to see how much work I get at the shelter before I look for something else.
In the meantime, I need things to occupy my time. There are a few things that I know for sure I need to do, and a few other ideas I've been thinking about but am undecided on. And, because everybody likes lists, here are my thoughts on things I can do outside of work to occupy my time, in list form:

• Cleaning the apartment, and not just average cleaning, but hardcore cleaning - that way I can keep on top of it for the rest of the year, a la my New Year's Resolution. Yes, this includes the closets and ALL of the laundry.
  
• Finding my local library branch, getting a Toronto library card, and reading, reading, reading - for free! This will help with that other resolution.
• Training the cat to use the toilet rather than the litter box. Yes, I'm aware that this is basically a pipe dream, but I'm still considering it.
• Catching up on the episodes of Pushing Daisies that I have waiting for me to watch on my computer.
• Going for walks daily, bringing my camera, and taking pictures. I'm considering taking part in Project 365.
• Joining some type of exercise group or class. Taking yoga, dance, swimming, joining an organized sport... I'm not sure which. Any ideas?
• Being more artistic: printmaking, painting, photography, etc - just do more of it.
• Taking some sort of art and/or crafts class. Know of any good / inexpensive ones in the GTA?
• Learn to sew, with a machine, meaning I need to procure a sewing machine somehow.
• Borrowing my little sister's Game Cube that she does not use, kicking butt in the games.
• Writing thank you notes to the older generation of my family for my Christmas gifts. I have the cards, I just have to sit down and do it.

Have any ideas to add to my list? Any suggestions? Help me out here guys, I'm going stir crazy!

A Nice Year

Over at Operation NICE they have NICE Assignments from time to time, and I really liked the idea behind this one:

Today's Assignment: Celebrate 2008!
I know how you folks are a bunch o' list-makers out there, so let's try it one last time this year. I want you to make a list of all the wonderful things that you've done or have happened to you in the last 12 months. It could be events you attended or awards you received or priceless moments that will help you recall 2008 with great fondness. Or maybe even silly things that might seem trivial to someone else! (e.g. Buying a Wii is totally on my list!) Either way, the more items, the more smiles you'll find!

Here is my list of 2008:

• Going on a cruise with my family to ring in the New Year - getting to explore Carribbean islands and relax on tropical beaches
• Surviving the bus crash
• Getting close to the fantastic people in my CYW class
• Using tools to make and open drinks with Stace, more than once
• Cousinly weekends with a St Patty's Day parade
• Going to the ROM and taking silly pictures there with Stace
  
• Thunder Kitty's first birthday
• Movie dates with Stace
  
• DMB CONCERT
• Getting to spend time at home in the summer with Mom relaxing on the porch in between camps
• The drives to and from HD camp in the summer, cruising with the windows down and the music up
  
• Finding a placement that I really loved
• Growing closer with my family during tough times
• Weekends with the camp girls - multiple
  
• Nuit Blanche avec Mel
• Starting to blog again and the wonderful new bloggy friends I have met
• My 23rd Birthday and Thanksgiving
  
• MOM BEATING CANCER!!
• The support from my family and friends I have received throughout the cancer ordeal
• The Twilight Saga (nerd alert!)
• Finding the courage to take a shot on the online dating thing
  
• Reuniting with first year roomie
• Spending Christmas with my family
• Finishing my CYW program (with honours, I might add!)
• Getting a job at the placement I loved
• Learning that I am stronger than I ever thought I was
• Feeling that I am kinda sorta grown up, living and working on my own in the big city
• Becoming more self aware and self reflective as well as more self confident
  

I think writing this list was important. The events that have happened this year were pretty sucky at times, so much so that my family and I have been joking that 2008 was pretty much the worst year ever. But even though so pretty major bad things happened, a lot of good things still happened. And, I suppose, if those bad things had to happen, I'm glad they happened the way they did. Not only was it the best possible outcome for all events, but it also showed me that I have family and friends there to always support me, and that I am much stronger than I thought.
So, thanks, 2008, you were tough, but we made it. Here's to an easier 2009, with some things changing and others staying the same. Wait and see I guess!

I'm Pretty Much Grown Up Now

"Grow up, who me?" by charliebubbles

Tomorrow is my last day of placement at the shelter. Before today, I was full of mixed emotions about this. I'm excited to be done the CYW program, it's been a long 16 months straight in this program. I'm tired, so tired that I'm not even stressed about the big old assignment I've barely started due Friday and the final exam looming ominously before me on Thursday. I just want to be done. Before today, I was sad to be leaving the shelter. I like it there, and I'm confidant that I'm doing good work there with great co-workers. So, the grin on my face was probably very large this morning when I was officially hired for per diem relief work at the shelter. Not only do I get to stay on at the shelter... for the very first time, I have a job in my field of study. It feels grown up and real and awesome.