My Beef with the Interwebz

I love the interwebz, you know I do.
But sometimes, internet, you give me way too much information.
I'm looking at you, Facebook.
Let's think about this: if it is listed that you dated a person in the "How do you know each other" section, it's not a nice thing to broadcast it on the front page for days when that person gets engaged.
Although it was nice to hear that he has found a nice girl to marry, I don't need it rubbed in my face for days, Facebook.
Actually, that's a lie. I don't want to hear that he is engaged at all.
Part of me wants to go through my Facebook and severely edit the people I am "friends" with. The other part of me knows that I have certain people on there because I am curious to see what they are up to without having to go to the trouble of pursuing a real-life relationship.
But there are some things I don't want to know about.
I can't help but wonder where the line is. When does the internet or social media go from helpful to harmful? How much internet/social media is too much? When do you get overexposed?

Unpacking the Insecurities

Sometimes I think you just need to rant and get it all out, tonight is one of those nights. So here goes. Saying it's scary to have this out there is the understatement of the year...

I'm usually at least outwardly confident in regards to my relationship status. I joke with my family about my plans to be a crazy cat lady, an old maid. I groan that there may in fact be cobwebs filling up my lady parts. When someone asks, I say I just haven't met anyone I'm interested in being with, nobody I like enough to spend large amounts of time with. I shrug and mutter that I'm sure he'll show up someday.
When it's just me, though, and I get to thinking about it, the insecurities take over.
I mean, I'm 23 years old. I've only ever had one official boyfriend... and that was almost 5 years ago. 5 years. Even I know that's not normal. 5 years and not even the slightest hint of interest or action... well, other than creepers in the alley, which does not count.
Not normal at all. Those insecurities start to tug at me, what's so wrong with me that only alley creepers are interested in me? I mean, I'm not completely repulsive, I'm generally a nice person too, am I emitting some sort of "men, stay the hell away" signal?!?
I am introverted. I know that. I generally like spending time alone, so being single isn't completely terrible. I like being able to come home at night to the cat waiting for me in a quiet apartment.
Just me, and that's okay.
But it's not always okay.
I'm tired of being the odd one out. I'm tired of always being second choice. I want to be somebody's number one for once, the first one they call, the one they would rather be with. I don't think I've ever been somebody's number one.
I want a partner in crime, someone to have adventures with, someone to share my day with.
Unfortunately (or, maybe fortunately) the cat doesn't respond when I talk to him.
I wonder if part of the problem is the fear. The fear of taking a risk, of trusting someone, of new things, of new people, of communicating with someone on a real deep level, of being hurt again. I don't like uncertainties, and it takes me a long time to even build friendships with new people. I clam up. Don't tell them the stuff inside of you because they're going to judge you. I am very rarely uncensored, even around my closest friends.
And I'm picky. I've always maintained that it is a good thing to be picky. You should NOT lower your standards for anyone, I've proclaimed. But maybe my pickiness holds me back. That's what my Mom always says when I am too picky to eat foods. "Try it, you'll like it." She's been crooning that statement to me in a singsongy voice for as long as I can remember.
I am so worried about people judging me too quickly, yet I am fast to judge others.
But I suppose that pickiness has really only been applied recently to online dating. You can't be picky when there's nothing in real life to be picky about.
And so, for now, I guess I'll just pack up the insecurities, suck it up, and be happy with being second choice. He'll come along someday, right? Good thing cats have relatively long life expectancies.

Dating With Erin: A Gloomy Update

Alright, so an update on the adventures of dating with Erin is long since due. Remember when I decided I needed to start dating, and when I actually signed up for Plenty of Fish? And then there was the sample of barf worthy messages I have received. Well, there has been a bit since then. Let's just say though, I'm starting to feel rather like this boy:

It's getting depressing by SmartMarmot

There have been two guys so far, the first we will call West Coast and the second we will call The Teacher.
West Coast messaged me first, he seemed nice and fairly normal. He moved here from BC and seemed pretty interested in me. I think I self-sabotaged that one. I was brutally honest about myself, and when I felt like he was moving to the meeting stage fasted than I was ready for, I told him I wanted to move more slowly. Shortly after that, things slowed to a stop. He stopped messaging me, and I didn't really try to re-start it, I just wasn't that interested.
The Teacher was next. He seemed really normal and things were going really well, we seemed to have a lot in common and the messaging was good. He seemed to be really interested in me, and then all of a sudden, he stopped messaging me. He had stopped for a bit before, over the Christmas holidays, so I thought he might return. I wait, and waited, and nothing.
When I first started this, I told myself that I was not going to be the initiator. I would put myself out there by being online, and they would come to me, right?
No more have come. It could be that I'm picky. Good grammar and an education is a must. I'm more attracted to certain types of people than others.

Plenty of fish by SNOWFactory.com

I'll keep looking, but I'm not too excited about it.

And then, there was the slightly embarrassing real life incident. We'll call him Bus Boy.
The day before New Years Eve, I was riding the bus home from the subway around midnight, and saw a guy kind of looking at me. I was not attracted, so I continued to play Solitaire on my iPod (hey, it's an hour commute!). I happened to be getting off the bus at the same stop as him, there were a few people getting off, so I didn't think much of it. It was snowing and gross and I just wanted to get home and to bed because I was working at 8 the next morning. To get to my building, it is fastest to walk down this "Avenue" which is actually more like an alley. It is lined with sketchy garages, and can be a little scary at night. By the time I was at the end of the alley, close to my building, he started walking beside me, and struck up small talk about the weather. I was a little confused. Why is this guy talking to me? Is he flirting with me? Guys don't hit on me! He asked about my New Year's Eve plans, I told him I was working, he started asking questions about me and I answered politely, but did not flirt back, because I just wasn't interested. He told me he was 27 (5 years older than me) and lived in an apartment by himself in the building next to mine. He asked if I had a boyfriend, I told him I was seeing someone. Then he asked for my number. I froze. This sort of thing doesn't happen to me! Part of me figured that I can't complain about being single if I'm turning down giving guys my number, and how do you nicely turn down someone, especially at midnight in your parking lot? I thought about giving him a fake number, but was so flustered that I couldn't think up one, I was afraid I would end up giving him my parents' number or something accidentially. So I did it. I gave a random guy my phone number. That is so uncharacteristic of me, I couldn't believe I did it. We shook hands and I went inside, on my way in, he told me he thought I was hot, and, flattered, I said thank you.
Big mistake.
Less than an hour later, I recieved a picture text message, from him. The picture was of him half (?) naked and flexing. The friends who have seen it speculate that he may be pleasuring himself in it. With the picture, he asks to see one of me. My response was something along the lines of HOLYCRAPNOWAY! I ignored it. Not much later, he sends me another text message informing me that he would like to sexually pleasure me and inviting me over for a booty call.
Ladies, can I take a poll here: would this technique actually work on you???
I ignored that one too, and shared it with my friends of course. Over the course of the next few weeks, I continued to receive texts from him and voicemails, all of which I ignored, hoping he would get the point. One night, however, I accidentally picked up when he called. I pretended not to know who he was. He told me he was just going through his phone calling some people he hadn't talked to (and I am like, WTF, there's more than just me!?!). He asked what I was doing, I said I was hanging out with the guy I was seeing, and he still wanted me to call him sometime! He asked if I got text messages, I curtly said no. He said he was adding people to MSN and asked if I had it, I curtly said no. That was that. I immidiately saved his number as "Do Not Pick Up" in my phone, and got more calls/voicemails than ever before from him over the following week or so. It was starting to stress me out. I worried I would run into him, it's hard to ignore someone in person. It stressed my sister out even more, she wanted to give me her camping knife to carry around with me. I declined. Finally, one weekend, he called me Saturday night, Sunday morning, and Sunday night. That was it, I decided. If he called again, I would do something about it. That Tuesday, he called again. Right afterwards, I texted him. I told him that he needed to stop calling. I said I wasn't interested in booty calls or pictures texts, and that I had already said I was seeing someone, and I am not that kind of girl.
I haven't heard from him since.

And that is that, my friends. A Dating with Erin update. It's a sad state of affairs over here.

"Standing on Your Mama's Porch..."

The 20SB January Carnival's theme is your first kiss. I've never really written about my relationship past on here, and because this blog isn't entirely anonymous, I'm going to keep most of it fairly brief and impersonal. I can, however, talk about my first kiss.

All I Need by -roosevelt-

I've always been a bit of a late bloomer. I guess I haven't yet even exactly bloomed all of the way, but that's beside the point. It was the summer after my first year of university. I was 18. That summer I was the Environmental Learning Coordinator at camp, and as senior staff, I lived at camp from April until August. At 18 I had never had a boyfriend, never been kissed.
One of my friends who worked at camp with me had moved to Florida a few years back because of a parental divorce/remarriage, and he was due to work at camp that summer. He ended up driving back to Ontario with a friend that he went to school in Florida with, and, being short on male counsellors for the summer, we asked his friend (who, from now on, we will call The Surfer) if he wanted to stay and work at camp. This guy was always up for an adventure and trying new things, so he rearranged his summer plans to stay. Our group of camp friends would get together whenever I had time off from camp, and The Surfer would join us, so between that and camp training, I got to know him before the camp session actually started. After our first whole wee together at camp, he made up a lame excuse for us to spend the Saturday together, kind of like a date. Another week went by at camp, and we spent the Saturday with our group of friends taking a trip to one of the neighbouring cities so we could go shopping and to the movies. We held hands in the movie theatre. Our friend who was driving dropped me off at home that evening, and The Surfer offered to walk me to the door. We talked for a few minutes and he told me that he was amazed that I had never had a boyfriend before, and asked if maybe he could be my boyfriend. Of course, I was smitten and overwhelmed and said yes. I was standing on the step on the porch and he was standing on the ground, making us about equal height because he was very tall, and then he leaned in and kissed me. I had never realized how amazing something so simple as touching lips could be. We said goodnight after that simple kiss and they drove away. I immediately ran inside and jumped onto my parents' bed with maybe the biggest grin ever to announce with a squeal that I had a fantastic day and that he kissed me.
And there we have it, my first kiss. The relationship didn't end perfectly, I got very hurt and have spent the years since then building up walls to protect myself from getting hurt again. If I could re-do that relationship, I would do things very differently. However, even if I could re-do that first kiss, I wouldn't change a thing. Being gently kissed on your parents' porch on a warm July night is pretty much the perfect first kiss.

(title lyrics from Bryan Adam's "Summer of '69")

But I Hate Resolutions...

I am a notorious New Year's Resolutions hater. It feels like I always am just setting myself up to fail with the same old goals of losing weight, exercising, and eating better. But I got to thinking, and I guess if I keep choosing the same resolutions every year and I keep failing at them, then maybe I'm not ready for that just yet. So instead, I've thought up a few other things that I would like to see happen in the new year:

1) Stop biting my nails. - I have been a nail biter since I was little. In the past few years though, I've mostly stopped. Now I only bite them when I am stressed or when they get chipped badly. I want to stop all together.

I really should stop biting my nails by diurnaldreamer

2) Drink more water. - I drink way too much diet cola. The problem is that I don't like the taste of water (I am really picky, I know). I am going to try to cut it down by bringing my Nalgene to work with me and some Crystal Lite singles so I can get it down.

Fill 'er up by acermate433s

3) Keep the apartment clean. - My apartment is pretty much always a disaster zone as soon as things in my life get busy. I want to keep on top of things this year. I am going to take the garbage out on the same day every week so I remember, and I am going to do the dishes as soon as I am done with them. I am also going to make the litter box clean out a daily occurrence. If I stay on top of those things, then the rest of it will be easier to get done when I have time.

Banksy by Simon Crubellier

4) Read more. - Now that I'm not in school, I can read for pleasure without feeling guilty that I'm not doing my homework. And now that I'm done the Twilight series, I'm left with a gaping literary hole to fill. I want to keep reading on a daily basis - whether before bed, at work, or on the subway.

On the platform, reading by moriza

5) Keep at this dating business. I'm still doing the online thing, but sometimes the idea of dating seems like more effort than it's worth. I do want to meet someone I like though, so I need to keep trying.

Date by XXVIII

I will keep you posted on my progress. You guys can keep me accountable so that I actually have to work on these. Wish me luck!

A Nice Year

Over at Operation NICE they have NICE Assignments from time to time, and I really liked the idea behind this one:

Today's Assignment: Celebrate 2008!
I know how you folks are a bunch o' list-makers out there, so let's try it one last time this year. I want you to make a list of all the wonderful things that you've done or have happened to you in the last 12 months. It could be events you attended or awards you received or priceless moments that will help you recall 2008 with great fondness. Or maybe even silly things that might seem trivial to someone else! (e.g. Buying a Wii is totally on my list!) Either way, the more items, the more smiles you'll find!

Here is my list of 2008:

• Going on a cruise with my family to ring in the New Year - getting to explore Carribbean islands and relax on tropical beaches
• Surviving the bus crash
• Getting close to the fantastic people in my CYW class
• Using tools to make and open drinks with Stace, more than once
• Cousinly weekends with a St Patty's Day parade
• Going to the ROM and taking silly pictures there with Stace
  
• Thunder Kitty's first birthday
• Movie dates with Stace
  
• DMB CONCERT
• Getting to spend time at home in the summer with Mom relaxing on the porch in between camps
• The drives to and from HD camp in the summer, cruising with the windows down and the music up
  
• Finding a placement that I really loved
• Growing closer with my family during tough times
• Weekends with the camp girls - multiple
  
• Nuit Blanche avec Mel
• Starting to blog again and the wonderful new bloggy friends I have met
• My 23rd Birthday and Thanksgiving
  
• MOM BEATING CANCER!!
• The support from my family and friends I have received throughout the cancer ordeal
• The Twilight Saga (nerd alert!)
• Finding the courage to take a shot on the online dating thing
  
• Reuniting with first year roomie
• Spending Christmas with my family
• Finishing my CYW program (with honours, I might add!)
• Getting a job at the placement I loved
• Learning that I am stronger than I ever thought I was
• Feeling that I am kinda sorta grown up, living and working on my own in the big city
• Becoming more self aware and self reflective as well as more self confident
  

I think writing this list was important. The events that have happened this year were pretty sucky at times, so much so that my family and I have been joking that 2008 was pretty much the worst year ever. But even though so pretty major bad things happened, a lot of good things still happened. And, I suppose, if those bad things had to happen, I'm glad they happened the way they did. Not only was it the best possible outcome for all events, but it also showed me that I have family and friends there to always support me, and that I am much stronger than I thought.
So, thanks, 2008, you were tough, but we made it. Here's to an easier 2009, with some things changing and others staying the same. Wait and see I guess!

Dating Update

Why hello,
I just wanted to share with y'all the best* Plentyoffish.com message I have received thus far.

hello sexy. how are you doing. my name is sam. i was just seaching and i saw ur pics believe me you are so sweet and i will love to know you better pls reply me and let me be on top of the world i will love to meet you. by the way am also single and know how to pleaseand pleasure my woman when i have one

I am not saying anything more about my dating adventures just yet, let's just say it hasn't all been duds, but I'm taking it slow.



*Best as in it was so funny that I almost threw up a little.

Dating with Erin - For Real this Time!?

Well, I finally did it. You can now find my profile at plentyoffish.com. I'm trying to keep an open mind about this... My combo of super-shy and super-picky is not necessarily going to help me here. We'll see how this goes or if this goes. I'll keep you posted.

I Met a New Man Tonight...

He's a big guy, yellowish tone, got pretty fresh with me and is named Cheddar...

Too bad he's a snake. (Excuse the crappy cell phone in low lighting picture) Pretty freaking cool!
I think I need to start dating...

I am SO Close to Being a Crazy Cat Lady

I've seen this on a few blogs, and today on My Life In a Nutshell. As I am thoroughly committed to NaBloPoMo, but it's Friday and I feel spent (I napped today... I never nap!), so I am going to post a meme.

Go to your Pictures folder on your computer, pick the fourth folder within the main folder, and then the fourth photo. Post and explain the picture.


Luckily, this isn't as embarrassing as I expected it to be. Still, it proves that I am aboard the train right to Crazy-Cat-Lady-ville, as I am home on a Friday night blogging about my cat.
This is Thunder Kitty. He is sitting inside of my lap top bag, because he's always getting into silly situations and finding crazy places to hang out that he thinks are comfortable. He is a year and a half right now, but in the picture he's about 6 months. So little!! I thought he was a big guy then, but now, at 15lbs, he wouldn't even fit in that lap top bag. I inherited Thunder Kitty after a co-worker brought him from her neighbour's barn to live with us for the summer at camp. Unfortunately, he was a mean kitty, and I was the only one who actually liked him, thus I adopted him when camp finished and I moved to Toronto. Half of my family is highly allergic to cats, so needless to say, he was not necessarily the most popular family member. Now, though, he's grown on them (with the exception of my sister, who will not admit that she likes him... actually she will not admit that she doesn't hate him). Since his kitten days, he's calmed down a lot and become a lot friendlier. Still, he's never been a cuddley kitten, so I completely love it the rare moments when he does cuddle with me. I love this cat crazy amounts, and I don't know how I would have survived living all alone in the big city without him. He is the closest thing to a boyfriend, sadly, and I have had to restrain myself from getting another cat because I know that takes me dangerously close to being a crazy cat lady.
So there you go! That's the story of the 4th photo in the 4th album in my pictures folder!

Dating with Erin

I think I've just gotten comfortable. I'm used to being single, coming home at night to my cat and relaxing by myself. I've gotten used to the status quo. I'm always the single one of the group, hanging out with my friends who are couples - dating, engaged, married, living together - being the third wheel even if they don't make me feel like it.

I've always been a late bloomer.
I had my first real boyfriend at 18, the summer after first year university. I sort of saw another guy after that, but that was it.
Almost 5 years later and I'm still hopelessly single.

Here are the issues, I think: I'm shy, I'm picky, I'm apparently unable to flirt, and I have difficulty meeting guys (my program is almost all female, as is the field I'm going into).

But this needs to change. I'm 23, I'm bored, I'm lonely, and I'm tired of being jealous of everyone else's exciting dating adventures and happy relationships.

I don't know how to go about this though. I've been mulling over the idea of online dating. A few of my friends have done it, but I've never know anybody to actually have a successful relationship from meeting online.

I need thoughts and opinions. What should I do in order to meet someone? Have you (or someone you know) ever had a successful relationship with someone they met online? Should I put myself out there and give if a shot?