Sometimes I think you just need to rant and get it all out, tonight is one of those nights. So here goes. Saying it's scary to have this out there is the understatement of the year...
I'm usually at least outwardly confident in regards to my relationship status. I joke with my family about my plans to be a crazy cat lady, an old maid. I groan that there may in fact be cobwebs filling up my lady parts. When someone asks, I say I just haven't met anyone I'm interested in being with, nobody I like enough to spend large amounts of time with. I shrug and mutter that I'm sure he'll show up someday.
When it's just me, though, and I get to thinking about it, the insecurities take over.
I mean, I'm 23 years old. I've only ever had one official boyfriend... and that was almost 5 years ago. 5 years. Even I know that's not normal. 5 years and not even the slightest hint of interest or action... well, other than creepers in the alley, which does not count.
Not normal at all. Those insecurities start to tug at me, what's so wrong with me that only alley creepers are interested in me? I mean, I'm not completely repulsive, I'm generally a nice person too, am I emitting some sort of "men, stay the hell away" signal?!?
I am introverted. I know that. I generally like spending time alone, so being single isn't completely terrible. I like being able to come home at night to the cat waiting for me in a quiet apartment.
Just me, and that's okay.
But it's not always okay.
I'm tired of being the odd one out. I'm tired of always being second choice. I want to be somebody's number one for once, the first one they call, the one they would rather be with. I don't think I've ever been somebody's number one.
I want a partner in crime, someone to have adventures with, someone to share my day with.
Unfortunately (or, maybe fortunately) the cat doesn't respond when I talk to him.
I wonder if part of the problem is the fear. The fear of taking a risk, of trusting someone, of new things, of new people, of communicating with someone on a real deep level, of being hurt again. I don't like uncertainties, and it takes me a long time to even build friendships with new people. I clam up. Don't tell them the stuff inside of you because they're going to judge you. I am very rarely uncensored, even around my closest friends.
And I'm picky. I've always maintained that it is a good thing to be picky. You should NOT lower your standards for anyone, I've proclaimed. But maybe my pickiness holds me back. That's what my Mom always says when I am too picky to eat foods. "Try it, you'll like it." She's been crooning that statement to me in a singsongy voice for as long as I can remember.
I am so worried about people judging me too quickly, yet I am fast to judge others.
But I suppose that pickiness has really only been applied recently to online dating. You can't be picky when there's nothing in real life to be picky about.
And so, for now, I guess I'll just pack up the insecurities, suck it up, and be happy with being second choice. He'll come along someday, right? Good thing cats have relatively long life expectancies.
Saturday, March 7, 2009
Friday, March 6, 2009
Cancer-schmancer
Mom's surgery is on Monday.
This will be it. The end of the battle (hopefully).
The doctor will take away Oscar Ostomy (that's right, she named her Ostomy) and hook everything back up and once the muscles are working properly again, my mommy will be back to normal.
It's been a long year. Cancer... shit. I did not ever expect to have to deal with that. Other people got cancer, I knew that, but certainly not anyone in my family, especially my mom.
After the diagnosis, I didn't know what to do with myself... Mom is supposed to take care of ME, not the other way around.
Dad having a slight heart condition I could handle, that I was used to, that was under control. But Mom having cancer!? No way. Can't happen. Cancer is a dirty word. It's a being that comes in and destroys everything it touches and takes away the people it inhabits.
Little did I know...
We were lucky that it was caught relatively early.
We were lucky that Grandpa is a well respected doctor and has connections.
We were lucky that the chemo/radiation shrunk that tumour away to nothing.
We were lucky to have an amazing surgeon.
We were lucky to have tremendous support, from our family, from our town, from our church.
We were lucky.
Cancer isn't an all-devouring beast. It comes in many forms. For some people, cancer will take them away from their loved ones. But for others, there is hope. That is something I wish I knew at the beginning. There is hope.
And you know what? No matter what the outcome, cancer brings people together. Our family became closer than ever. People that Mom had grown apart from came out of the woodwork, bringing cards and flowers and meals and gifts, and most importantly, their presence, letting her know they cared.
As a family we cried, we laughed, we fought, we encouraged, we pitched in. Mom learned that it's okay to take a step back, to ask for help - things she would never do before. The middle sis and I became more present, in spite of not living at home, we made more of an effort to be there. For me, it taught me that if I can get through this crisis, I can get through most anything. The littlest sis, the only child living at home, grew up, a lot. She gracefully dealt with situations that I could have never dealt with at 16. She took care of the house, she accompanied on doctor's visits, she dealt with the outside world when Mom couldn't, she put her own needs aside and became a better person. Dad learned to leave work behind, that business could wait. Never, in my life growing up, had I seen Dad leave the store behind and trust others with his business. Dad also, I think, realized that life is short... not long after this ordeal, he decided to follow his dream of having his own forest and so bought the new property (his new love).
Yeah, cancer sucks ass, but I like to think that there is always a bright side to the crap that happens. Cancer may have ravaged Mom's body, but it also changed all of our lives in a positive way.
Here's the ladies of our family, only weeks before Mom was diagnosed, celebrating middle sis's birthday. From the left we have littlest sis, middle sis, Mom, and myself. If we only knew what was coming...
And here's my beautiful Mom this past Christmas. Here she has gone through a month straight of chemo and radiation, a surgery to remove the affected part of the bowel and insert an ostemy, and she was currently in the middle of 4 months of chemo (1 week a month). Just look at her! She looks incredible! She amazes me with how strong she is.
And so, on Monday, she goes in for more surgery. Minor surgery, just to hook everything back up.
It's minor, I tell myself, it's a happy surgery to fix everything back up. After this, it will be over. Right?
But I still get a nervous feeling in the pit of my stomach when I think about it. Not as big as the one I got before her first surgery... but it's still there.
Maybe it's because I don't deal with hospitals well. The waiting while she's being operated on, how sterile everything is, how scary the patients look, Mom... hooked up to tubes and monitors. I'm not looking forward to going through that again. I feel like I already know my way around that hospital way too well. I'm not a person who deal with medical things well... or bodily fluids for that matter. Heck, I shy away from dealing with emotions. That feeling in the bottom of my stomach and the back of my throat is there the entire time I am, and it stays even when I go home at night. I use humour to get through it. I'm the one in the hospital room cracking jokes and goofing off. Voted most likely to get kicked out of the hospital room and be scowled at by nurses.
But, we'll get through it. And you know what, Mom's going to be fine. They'll continue to check on Mom for the next few years to make sure the cancer doesn't come back, but she responded so well to the treatment this time that I am not terribly concerned about that. Mom's a tough cookie. And no matter what, thanks to this fight with cancer, I have hope. You never know what life's going to throw at you, but even with the bad, you can find good.
This will be it. The end of the battle (hopefully).
The doctor will take away Oscar Ostomy (that's right, she named her Ostomy) and hook everything back up and once the muscles are working properly again, my mommy will be back to normal.
It's been a long year. Cancer... shit. I did not ever expect to have to deal with that. Other people got cancer, I knew that, but certainly not anyone in my family, especially my mom.
After the diagnosis, I didn't know what to do with myself... Mom is supposed to take care of ME, not the other way around.
Dad having a slight heart condition I could handle, that I was used to, that was under control. But Mom having cancer!? No way. Can't happen. Cancer is a dirty word. It's a being that comes in and destroys everything it touches and takes away the people it inhabits.
Little did I know...
We were lucky that it was caught relatively early.
We were lucky that Grandpa is a well respected doctor and has connections.
We were lucky that the chemo/radiation shrunk that tumour away to nothing.
We were lucky to have an amazing surgeon.
We were lucky to have tremendous support, from our family, from our town, from our church.
We were lucky.
Cancer isn't an all-devouring beast. It comes in many forms. For some people, cancer will take them away from their loved ones. But for others, there is hope. That is something I wish I knew at the beginning. There is hope.
And you know what? No matter what the outcome, cancer brings people together. Our family became closer than ever. People that Mom had grown apart from came out of the woodwork, bringing cards and flowers and meals and gifts, and most importantly, their presence, letting her know they cared.
As a family we cried, we laughed, we fought, we encouraged, we pitched in. Mom learned that it's okay to take a step back, to ask for help - things she would never do before. The middle sis and I became more present, in spite of not living at home, we made more of an effort to be there. For me, it taught me that if I can get through this crisis, I can get through most anything. The littlest sis, the only child living at home, grew up, a lot. She gracefully dealt with situations that I could have never dealt with at 16. She took care of the house, she accompanied on doctor's visits, she dealt with the outside world when Mom couldn't, she put her own needs aside and became a better person. Dad learned to leave work behind, that business could wait. Never, in my life growing up, had I seen Dad leave the store behind and trust others with his business. Dad also, I think, realized that life is short... not long after this ordeal, he decided to follow his dream of having his own forest and so bought the new property (his new love).
Yeah, cancer sucks ass, but I like to think that there is always a bright side to the crap that happens. Cancer may have ravaged Mom's body, but it also changed all of our lives in a positive way.
Here's the ladies of our family, only weeks before Mom was diagnosed, celebrating middle sis's birthday. From the left we have littlest sis, middle sis, Mom, and myself. If we only knew what was coming...
And here's my beautiful Mom this past Christmas. Here she has gone through a month straight of chemo and radiation, a surgery to remove the affected part of the bowel and insert an ostemy, and she was currently in the middle of 4 months of chemo (1 week a month). Just look at her! She looks incredible! She amazes me with how strong she is.And so, on Monday, she goes in for more surgery. Minor surgery, just to hook everything back up.
It's minor, I tell myself, it's a happy surgery to fix everything back up. After this, it will be over. Right?
But I still get a nervous feeling in the pit of my stomach when I think about it. Not as big as the one I got before her first surgery... but it's still there.
Maybe it's because I don't deal with hospitals well. The waiting while she's being operated on, how sterile everything is, how scary the patients look, Mom... hooked up to tubes and monitors. I'm not looking forward to going through that again. I feel like I already know my way around that hospital way too well. I'm not a person who deal with medical things well... or bodily fluids for that matter. Heck, I shy away from dealing with emotions. That feeling in the bottom of my stomach and the back of my throat is there the entire time I am, and it stays even when I go home at night. I use humour to get through it. I'm the one in the hospital room cracking jokes and goofing off. Voted most likely to get kicked out of the hospital room and be scowled at by nurses.
But, we'll get through it. And you know what, Mom's going to be fine. They'll continue to check on Mom for the next few years to make sure the cancer doesn't come back, but she responded so well to the treatment this time that I am not terribly concerned about that. Mom's a tough cookie. And no matter what, thanks to this fight with cancer, I have hope. You never know what life's going to throw at you, but even with the bad, you can find good.
Thursday, March 5, 2009
The Point of the Composition
Over at Treasuing, I saw this video posted. I love it enough to post it here for you guys. Please take a few minutes to watch it, it's adorable and it has a fantastic message.
Heads Up!
Hey guys! There's a contest at Oh, Hello Friend! Get your butt over there and enter it (or don't, so I have a better chance)!
Award O'Clock!
Recently, I was lucky enough to recieve not one but two blog awards! Here we go:
I recieved the Honest Scrap Award from Rialeilani!
1) I had surgery on my kidney when I was 3 years old. I still have a giant scar across my side from it. You know that tube that goes from your kidney to your bladder? Well I had an extra one, only it didn't go to my bladder, it went nowhere. Now I have a kidney and 3/4s. The only real thing that means is that I could never donate a kidney. I used to be embarrassed to tell people why I had the surgery, because it meant that I was deformed. Now, I don't care.
2) I have a magazine buying problem. Mostly it stems from my quest to find a replacement favourite magazine post-Jane. Currently, sitting on the floor beside my bed I have: Glamour, Lou Lou, Real Simple, Nylon, and Naked Eye. Still, none of them quite live up to Jane.
3) 3 is my favourite number. Has been forever, no idea why!
4) The past few days, when I have spent a great deal of time sick in bed, Thunder Kitty has started cuddling with my legs. It makes me extremely happy.
5) I feel naked if I'm not wearing a watch. I have worn one every single day since I started being a camp counsellor in... 2002. My parents get me a new one pretty much every year for either Christmas or my birthday. That sounds fancy, but they own a jewellery store, so it's okay.
6) If you follow me on Twitter (@ewalker9), you might remember that I am adopting a turtle. His name is Maurice (named after Marice Starr), and he has been a camp pet since 2001 if I remember correctly. Every year I was senior staff at camp, I took care of him, and even when I didn't work there, I harassed the staff who did into taking proper care of him. One year, way before me, he was left there alone from August to October when someone finally found him. Now, the camp doesn't want him and the girl who was taking care of him is going to Nepal and nobody wants him. So I said that if nobody will take him, I will, because I couldn't stand to let him go homeless, I like the little guy. And so, I am adopting my third pet from camp that nobody wanted (the first being Clark the hamster, now deceased, and the second being Thunder Kitty). I thought my parents were going to kill me, instead they just rolled their eyes. I will properly introduce him when he arrives at my place.
7) I have a small collection (4) of tribal masks on my wall. I both love them and scare the crap out of me. I got my first when I worked at the campus art gallery at university. They have a high-end yard sale every year as a fund raiser, where people donate items to sell to raise money for the gallery. Somebody donated a tonne of African masks, and I loved them. I told myself that if there was still one left on the last day, I would buy it. There was, and I did. After that, I bought 3 more on various Carribbean islands that we stopped at on our 2 cruises. The Carribbean ones are much more friendly looking than the African mask. I will likely collect more on my future travels.
8) This is my least favourite time of year. Winter has long since overstayed it's welcome and excitement, spring is nowhere to be seen, most days are cold and grey, and the snow is dirty looking. I cannot wait for spring to come.
9) I used to name my houseplants. I had Ezra (because I loved the name) and Annabelle and Annabelle 2 (she was a sprout from Annabelle the first).
10) Last night, my friend and I were driving back to my apartment, and in the alley outside of it, a guy flagged us down and asked if we could help him jump his car. I did it, luckily he knew what to do because I didn't even know where the button to pop the hood was at first. We got his car started and he was good to go. I was so happy that my friend was with me though, because I grew up being taught that people in the city are scary and not to be trusted, especially when you are a female alone, so I likely would not have stopped to help or at least I would have been torn about it. It was nice to be able to help him, and cool to see what to do to jump start a car. Also, he had a really nice voice.
Tagged:
Jess at Classy in Philadelphia
Lily at Lily Speak
Carmen at My Life in a Nutshell
at The Holly and the Ivy
Kern at The Transformation of Kern
Heather at EveryyDayy
at How Lucky We Are
Ashley at Writing to Reach You
Ashley at Turquoise Ribbons
EP at Stylish Handwriting
I also received the Arte Y Pico Award (creative blog award) from Ashley at Writing to Reach You! And I would like to give this award to Lily at Lily Speak for having a beautiful blog and being my very first bloggy friend!
I recieved the Honest Scrap Award from Rialeilani!
The Honest Scrap award comes with a caveat or 2. Firstly you have to tell your readers 10 things about you they may not know, but that are true. Secondly you have to tag 10 people with the award.
1) I had surgery on my kidney when I was 3 years old. I still have a giant scar across my side from it. You know that tube that goes from your kidney to your bladder? Well I had an extra one, only it didn't go to my bladder, it went nowhere. Now I have a kidney and 3/4s. The only real thing that means is that I could never donate a kidney. I used to be embarrassed to tell people why I had the surgery, because it meant that I was deformed. Now, I don't care.
2) I have a magazine buying problem. Mostly it stems from my quest to find a replacement favourite magazine post-Jane. Currently, sitting on the floor beside my bed I have: Glamour, Lou Lou, Real Simple, Nylon, and Naked Eye. Still, none of them quite live up to Jane.
3) 3 is my favourite number. Has been forever, no idea why!
4) The past few days, when I have spent a great deal of time sick in bed, Thunder Kitty has started cuddling with my legs. It makes me extremely happy.
5) I feel naked if I'm not wearing a watch. I have worn one every single day since I started being a camp counsellor in... 2002. My parents get me a new one pretty much every year for either Christmas or my birthday. That sounds fancy, but they own a jewellery store, so it's okay.
6) If you follow me on Twitter (@ewalker9), you might remember that I am adopting a turtle. His name is Maurice (named after Marice Starr), and he has been a camp pet since 2001 if I remember correctly. Every year I was senior staff at camp, I took care of him, and even when I didn't work there, I harassed the staff who did into taking proper care of him. One year, way before me, he was left there alone from August to October when someone finally found him. Now, the camp doesn't want him and the girl who was taking care of him is going to Nepal and nobody wants him. So I said that if nobody will take him, I will, because I couldn't stand to let him go homeless, I like the little guy. And so, I am adopting my third pet from camp that nobody wanted (the first being Clark the hamster, now deceased, and the second being Thunder Kitty). I thought my parents were going to kill me, instead they just rolled their eyes. I will properly introduce him when he arrives at my place.
7) I have a small collection (4) of tribal masks on my wall. I both love them and scare the crap out of me. I got my first when I worked at the campus art gallery at university. They have a high-end yard sale every year as a fund raiser, where people donate items to sell to raise money for the gallery. Somebody donated a tonne of African masks, and I loved them. I told myself that if there was still one left on the last day, I would buy it. There was, and I did. After that, I bought 3 more on various Carribbean islands that we stopped at on our 2 cruises. The Carribbean ones are much more friendly looking than the African mask. I will likely collect more on my future travels.
8) This is my least favourite time of year. Winter has long since overstayed it's welcome and excitement, spring is nowhere to be seen, most days are cold and grey, and the snow is dirty looking. I cannot wait for spring to come.
9) I used to name my houseplants. I had Ezra (because I loved the name) and Annabelle and Annabelle 2 (she was a sprout from Annabelle the first).
10) Last night, my friend and I were driving back to my apartment, and in the alley outside of it, a guy flagged us down and asked if we could help him jump his car. I did it, luckily he knew what to do because I didn't even know where the button to pop the hood was at first. We got his car started and he was good to go. I was so happy that my friend was with me though, because I grew up being taught that people in the city are scary and not to be trusted, especially when you are a female alone, so I likely would not have stopped to help or at least I would have been torn about it. It was nice to be able to help him, and cool to see what to do to jump start a car. Also, he had a really nice voice.
Tagged:
Jess at Classy in Philadelphia
Lily at Lily Speak
Carmen at My Life in a Nutshell
at The Holly and the Ivy
Kern at The Transformation of Kern
Heather at EveryyDayy
at How Lucky We Are
Ashley at Writing to Reach You
Ashley at Turquoise Ribbons
EP at Stylish Handwriting
I also received the Arte Y Pico Award (creative blog award) from Ashley at Writing to Reach You! And I would like to give this award to Lily at Lily Speak for having a beautiful blog and being my very first bloggy friend!
Monday, March 2, 2009
One Week
This movie looks beautiful! I want an adventure like this (minus the short life expectancy bit). It comes out Friday here, so likely I'll see it in a week or so. I expect to bawl through the entire thing. Check out the trailer:
Saturday, February 28, 2009
I Wanna Do Bad Things With You
I spent my entire day today watching the entire first season of HBO's True Blood. I've already talked about how much I love vampires (I've tagged 13 blogs with "Twilight"). For years I've been reading vampire fiction and lusting over them, and Twilight completely solidified that love in the fall, so I figured I couldn't go wrong with True Blood... I mean, check out that sexy poster!
I really liked it, which I suppose one could have assumed judging by the fact that I watched 12 episodes in one day. It was like Twilight for adults - the basic girl falls for vampire, has canine-esque guy friend who is into her, vampire and guy friend have to join to protect girl... all very similar to our favourite teenage vampire saga, and a bonus of no stupid sparkles, breathy staring at each other scenes, and the girl can take care of herself. That being said, it also includes a whole lot more sex, nudity, and drugs than the sexual tension that the teen vampires tiptoed around. It is definitely an adults only vampire saga.
True Blood is set in small-town Louisiana, which I have been enamoured with for years (perhaps since seeing Skeleton Key? I'm not sure, but I've wanted to go for years because it seems like a sexy place).
Thanks to the development of Tru Blood artificial blood, vampires have been able to come out of the coffin and show themselves as a species, lobbying for the vote and equal rights. The discrimination against vampires is still strong, however, and the storyline revolves around the brutal murders of human women who are associating with vampires.
My favourite part of the storyline has to be the relationship between Sookie, a human, and Bill, a vampire (our Bella and Edward). They made me so happy like Edward and Bella did, we follow them from the time they meet through their turmoltuous relationship that is created by their differences. They have to overcome their own fears and prejudices and those of their own kind and learn to risk and trust in order for their relationship to work.
There are, of course, many other aspects of the storyline that will keep you sucked in and wanting more. Season 2 doesn't start until later this year, and I can't wait! Catch up now while you can guys!
And, if all of my sexy pictures and my semi-coherent (I'm on cold meds) descriptions didn't draw you in, watch the opening credits. They are amazingly well done and make me want to move south immediately, and they touch on all of the shows major aspects: life and death, sex and religion, the natural and the unnatural.
I really liked it, which I suppose one could have assumed judging by the fact that I watched 12 episodes in one day. It was like Twilight for adults - the basic girl falls for vampire, has canine-esque guy friend who is into her, vampire and guy friend have to join to protect girl... all very similar to our favourite teenage vampire saga, and a bonus of no stupid sparkles, breathy staring at each other scenes, and the girl can take care of herself. That being said, it also includes a whole lot more sex, nudity, and drugs than the sexual tension that the teen vampires tiptoed around. It is definitely an adults only vampire saga.
True Blood is set in small-town Louisiana, which I have been enamoured with for years (perhaps since seeing Skeleton Key? I'm not sure, but I've wanted to go for years because it seems like a sexy place).
Thanks to the development of Tru Blood artificial blood, vampires have been able to come out of the coffin and show themselves as a species, lobbying for the vote and equal rights. The discrimination against vampires is still strong, however, and the storyline revolves around the brutal murders of human women who are associating with vampires.
My favourite part of the storyline has to be the relationship between Sookie, a human, and Bill, a vampire (our Bella and Edward). They made me so happy like Edward and Bella did, we follow them from the time they meet through their turmoltuous relationship that is created by their differences. They have to overcome their own fears and prejudices and those of their own kind and learn to risk and trust in order for their relationship to work.
There are, of course, many other aspects of the storyline that will keep you sucked in and wanting more. Season 2 doesn't start until later this year, and I can't wait! Catch up now while you can guys!And, if all of my sexy pictures and my semi-coherent (I'm on cold meds) descriptions didn't draw you in, watch the opening credits. They are amazingly well done and make me want to move south immediately, and they touch on all of the shows major aspects: life and death, sex and religion, the natural and the unnatural.
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